March 1, 1995

Today is Ash Wednesday, so I thought I'd ruminate on a few things before the night is through (it is quickly, my clock says, coming to an end). Becky, for one, is preoccupying my mind & has been since yesterday when she made her famous "it's not genetic -- it's a choice" remark which got me very much riled up that I was stewing over it all during dinner. And I wrote a poem last night to capitalize on my incense. Because I can't very well explain to her what I know for a fact. And Susan just laughs about it -- her own mother -- which to me is sad because it indicates views shared by parents, who of all people, should be steering their daughters clear of such ignorance (forgive the Ryan B@ttista-like vocabulary ... wait a minute -- how am I writing this now? I thought I didn't exist...). Good Lord, Becky -- if you only knew. But none of this matters because she has Steve, the perfect person in the whole goddamn world (Here, Sohail, I do swear), who makes us all look inferior. And he's cute & he's catholic & etc. And he agrees with her about statement made above, so I can't possibly be right at all. This has preoccupied me since 5 PM yesterday. She has continued today, saying that step aerobics is God's work -- and I don't know what to say because although it makes perfect sense when she explains it (it's a Lenten resolution), you still have to accept such notions as God, for example. And I think I'm a deist; that is, I believe that God created this world, but has left it in our hands. I'm not even sure about that -- because really, who's to say? Why can't the Bible have been a cruel hoax, written by a couple guys in Jerusalem with some good stories, seeing who will believe them. It's like Orson Welles' War of the World or some such thing. Why must this be true? And Stacie said this afternoon, as she explained her Baptist upbringing, that it's all a matter of faith. And I suppose that's true. But I am no less of a person because of my lack of it -- I know that much. I am content in my straying from Christianity. People like Becky I think I admire somewhat but am also confused by. To be able to sit there & say there is definitely a God & a Jesus Christ & to plan your life around such (to me) unclear ideas -- which she has -- I don't see how a rationally-minded person could agree with that without proof. It's one of those things that we are forced to accept without question: There is a God, end of sentence. And in closing (what an awful linear thought process!), I would like to say that this blue erasable pen, licorice-scented, gives me vivid flashbacks to sixth grade & Rita Cl3house. These pens are vastly underrated.
JMC 10:42 PM