January 27, 1996

And to think that at 5:45, I lay curled up in bed, lights off, head pounding from the aggravation my stiff neck was inflecting upon it, and I was just about sure that I wouldn't be going to Cyndi J0hnson's 18th birthday party. To even think that at 6:45 I figured I'd probably have to leave early, knowing that at any time the headache could return, have its revenge against the gel-caps I squashed it with, and I'd just be in too much pain. And then to walk back into the door of my house at 2:25 AM, having spent the last 3 hours in a deep conversation with Cyndi, Kristy, & Carolyn, an unforgettable discussion of sex, religion, politics (the three no-no's!), and general gossip. We want to meet often; we want to form a club, a society of thinkers; at least that's what we all joked about as we left roughly 45 mins. ago from now. But it was simply wonderful & more deserving of written remembrance than the night I spent with Adam Gri3ve last night (we finally got to see the excellent 12 Monkeys & spent more cash at TGI Friday's in an exuberant, but always shallow conversation). The evening began rather ordinarily: Stacie & I rang the doorbell at 7:30 or so, since it is understood that we travel to parties together, and were met with a handful of Cyndi-friends, girls like Becky & Allison & Jes@ida, etc. The night progressed pretty pleasantly, too, not counting, of course, when Cyndi broke down & cried (but that's a common occurrence -- she cries easily, and the situation is trivial at best, so it doesn't bear repeating). Jason J0rdan & Angela Zar0 both made separate, brief appearances; we played a party game ("Inklings"); there was pizza, etc. The night only really kicked in, though, in the greater scheme of things importance-wise, when Stacie left at 11:30, the only remaining guest outside of the aforementioned four. And that's no offense to her by any means, but ... This is what I mean by deep, by important: what I told those 3 girls -- well, first of all, I did tell them the bisexuality thing, cuz I mentioned that Kristy's crush on Chris (or the idea of it, as she distinguished) kind of mirrored my own -- but that was only after I told them the story between Stacie & me, a subject I've kept locked up for the past year & a half, known only by Ryan, but then, he didn't know that much, either. What surprises me now, in retrospect, & also I guess there, too, is not so much that I told but who exactly it was I told. I don't consider any one of them "best friends" of mine, but actually they were very easy to tell because of the nature of the conversation & also because they think rationally, logically, not so much emotion-wise; that is to say, they don't care what Stacie & I did, but more about how things happen that way, about relationships in high school, universal feelings of sexuality, etc. Not to say either that they were cold & heartless, though. The fact is, I spilled my beans & I don't regret it because they were interested & tolerant & everything, like friends should be. I really love great conversation, and when you bring matters of a personal nature into it, like Kristy's relationship with Chris "Loserboy" Cap0cy or Carolyn's flirting with atheism (or whatever) or Cyndi wondering whether guys are intimidated by her¹, well then man, wouldn't you think it would be just so much more the interesting? Stimulating, and too, feeling privy to things otherwise unspoken. But here is, in case I ever wondering about it again, is how I spilled the beans: We had been talking about Becky, since she's a paragon of Catholicism that we can compare ourselves to & speculate as to whether she & Steve have done, as Chuck Abn3y² likes to say, the "dance without any steps" (basically, she represents what all of us are against, value-wise, although we still "love her to death" [Cyndi]). But anyway, such speculation then prompted me to wonder aloud Ryan & Jes@ida, whose escapades are presented in lurid detail in the 9/1/95 entry; alleged escapades, anyway, since everyone there seemed to doubt anything happened. To which Kristy then said she found it terribly ironic to voice such a question, since Jes@ida had once asked her virtually the same thing, but concerning Stacie & me. I was silent, & of course, they weren't demanding a response, but my silence was surely an indication, and as Kristy went on talking about "Loserboy" & sleeping w/him, I left hints merely by nodding with identification of similar circumstances or making a terse comment. And then the story came spilling out. Oh but it was fun. Kristy talked about sometime in February when her parents will be away for 4 days & she feels the urge to do something illegal, so she thinks she might -- well, originally she was just going to have a big come-one, come-all party -- but now she just thinks she might invite the other three of us because our conversation went so well tonight & in an effort to repeat it, we can't risk inviting anyone else. We don't want to, anyway. I can't talk about my sexuality with Allison H0ffert, for godssakes! Well, anyway, we might spend the night, I guess, that's what the plan was. It almost seems like we're elitists or something³; at the same time like we're a famous group like the Algonquin Round Table or the Beat Generation when they were all still in college, talking crazy philosophy in dorm rooms⁴. But a combination like what we had (coincidentally, too, the same group that went to Mr U's house [5/27/95 entry]) must continue because the potential for great conversation & life analysis is there. It can't just wither away, lie dormant, and especially not now. I doubt I would have "said anything" had this not been our last semester at BHS, but still, graduation day is fast approaching & advantages must be taken...
Z (like sleeping now!)
JMC 3:53 AM

1 She was our valedictorian, after all.

2 12th-grade English teacher, a small, wiry man with a sandy mustache who gave up his plan to be a wrestling coach when he started writing folk songs in college and decided to study poetry instead. He was all right, though I thought he'd have done a better job teaching younger kids.

3 I can't tell whether this was said approvingly or not.

4 It seems trite or banal now, maybe, but I think the key to my excitement about this conversation was that it was basically my first late-night existential/self-absorbed college-dorm chat; it just happened nine months before I started college.