Shouting the Poetic Truths of High School Journal Keepers

Thursday, January 27, 2005

January 27, 1996

And to think that at 5:45, I lay curled up in bed, lights off, head pounding from the aggravation my stiff neck was inflecting upon it, and I was just about sure that I wouldn't be going to Cyndi J0hnson's 18th birthday party. To even think that at 6:45 I figured I'd probably have to leave early, knowing that at any time the headache could return, have its revenge against the gel-caps I squashed it with, and I'd just be in too much pain. And then to walk back into the door of my house at 2:25 AM, having spent the last 3 hours in a deep conversation with Cyndi, Kristy, & Carolyn, an unforgettable discussion of sex, religion, politics (the three no-no's!), and general gossip. We want to meet often; we want to form a club, a society of thinkers; at least that's what we all joked about as we left roughly 45 mins. ago from now. But it was simply wonderful & more deserving of written remembrance than the night I spent with Adam Gri3ve last night (we finally got to see the excellent 12 Monkeys & spent more cash at TGI Friday's in an exuberant, but always shallow conversation). The evening began rather ordinarily: Stacie & I rang the doorbell at 7:30 or so, since it is understood that we travel to parties together, and were met with a handful of Cyndi-friends, girls like Becky & Allison & Jes@ida, etc. The night progressed pretty pleasantly, too, not counting, of course, when Cyndi broke down & cried (but that's a common occurrence -- she cries easily, and the situation is trivial at best, so it doesn't bear repeating). Jason J0rdan & Angela Zar0 both made separate, brief appearances; we played a party game ("Inklings"); there was pizza, etc. The night only really kicked in, though, in the greater scheme of things importance-wise, when Stacie left at 11:30, the only remaining guest outside of the aforementioned four. And that's no offense to her by any means, but ... This is what I mean by deep, by important: what I told those 3 girls -- well, first of all, I did tell them the bisexuality thing, cuz I mentioned that Kristy's crush on Chris (or the idea of it, as she distinguished) kind of mirrored my own -- but that was only after I told them the story between Stacie & me, a subject I've kept locked up for the past year & a half, known only by Ryan, but then, he didn't know that much, either. What surprises me now, in retrospect, & also I guess there, too, is not so much that I told but who exactly it was I told. I don't consider any one of them "best friends" of mine, but actually they were very easy to tell because of the nature of the conversation & also because they think rationally, logically, not so much emotion-wise; that is to say, they don't care what Stacie & I did, but more about how things happen that way, about relationships in high school, universal feelings of sexuality, etc. Not to say either that they were cold & heartless, though. The fact is, I spilled my beans & I don't regret it because they were interested & tolerant & everything, like friends should be. I really love great conversation, and when you bring matters of a personal nature into it, like Kristy's relationship with Chris "Loserboy" Cap0cy or Carolyn's flirting with atheism (or whatever) or Cyndi wondering whether guys are intimidated by her1, well then man, wouldn't you think it would be just so much more the interesting? Stimulating, and too, feeling privy to things otherwise unspoken. But here is, in case I ever wondering about it again, is how I spilled the beans: We had been talking about Becky, since she's a paragon of Catholicism that we can compare ourselves to & speculate as to whether she & Steve have done, as Chuck Abn3y2 likes to say, the "dance without any steps" (basically, she represents what all of us are against, value-wise, although we still "love her to death" [Cyndi]). But anyway, such speculation then prompted me to wonder aloud Ryan & Jes@ida, whose escapades are presented in lurid detail in the 9/1/95 entry; alleged escapades, anyway, since everyone there seemed to doubt anything happened. To which Kristy then said she found it terribly ironic to voice such a question, since Jes@ida had once asked her virtually the same thing, but concerning Stacie & me. I was silent, & of course, they weren't demanding a response, but my silence was surely an indication, and as Kristy went on talking about "Loserboy" & sleeping w/him, I left hints merely by nodding with identification of similar circumstances or making a terse comment. And then the story came spilling out. Oh but it was fun. Kristy talked about sometime in February when her parents will be away for 4 days & she feels the urge to do something illegal, so she thinks she might -- well, originally she was just going to have a big come-one, come-all party -- but now she just thinks she might invite the other three of us because our conversation went so well tonight & in an effort to repeat it, we can't risk inviting anyone else. We don't want to, anyway. I can't talk about my sexuality with Allison H0ffert, for godssakes! Well, anyway, we might spend the night, I guess, that's what the plan was. It almost seems like we're elitists or something3; at the same time like we're a famous group like the Algonquin Round Table or the Beat Generation when they were all still in college, talking crazy philosophy in dorm rooms4. But a combination like what we had (coincidentally, too, the same group that went to Mr U's house [5/27/95 entry]) must continue because the potential for great conversation & life analysis is there. It can't just wither away, lie dormant, and especially not now. I doubt I would have "said anything" had this not been our last semester at BHS, but still, graduation day is fast approaching & advantages must be taken...
Z (like sleeping now!)
JMC 3:53 AM

1 She was our valedictorian, after all.

2 12th-grade English teacher, a small, wiry man with a sandy mustache who gave up his plan to be a wrestling coach when he started writing folk songs in college and decided to study poetry instead. He was all right, though I thought he'd have done a better job teaching younger kids.

3 I can't tell whether this was said approvingly or not.

4 It seems trite or banal now, maybe, but I think the key to my excitement about this conversation was that it was basically my first late-night existential/self-absorbed college-dorm chat; it just happened nine months before I started college.


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