January 23, 1995

It's the beginning of a new semester, always a little odd at first, but something we all grow into. It's something you have to get used to, even though it may be slightly unpleasant. That's why we rely on the comfort of tradition & exact same chemistry table / lab groups, but really wish there would be more of a balance & not an empty half of the room. And of course there's the good old physical education, but minus the pleasures & people to fall back on when the going gets tough, no more Jason Cudeb3cs or Jason J0rdans to at least have meaningful conversations with. God, the lonely hours I will spend without the comfort of a good fresh sheet of paper to scribble these words on -- the agonizing minutes of sweating, basketball with Steve K0ven¹ or other uninteresting souls -- just standing there -- oh, why did I not realize all that was good about Chris when I saw him daily last year? First semester P.E. w/ Jason Cudeb3c & Marty Kruszk@². Did I ever luck out my sophomore year ... did I ever. And even without the realization of Chris, at least I saw him on a different level, as a not-very-good basketball player, who was sort of shy, but we let him in because who were we anyway, all ragtags, Dan W0lfe's outside shots, inevitably (ineluctably) followed by a resounding "I suck!" at the first instant the ball hit the metal rim -- that was us. And P.E. is just so awkward without friends. So very awkward, and especially for me coming from my shielded honors classes into this free-for-all. I mean, it is so much varied than elementary/middle school, my classes are -- that goes without saying -- but you realize, there are a whole lotta kids out there I'm not seeing every day. I guess that goes for everybody. -- Forgive my delay (punctuated by the dash), but I have only now returned from a rousing game of Upwords with the fam, highly entertaining shit, I must say, non-sarcastically. It was, as they say, good clean fun. But that also explains the interruption of thought. Which is why I have nothing else to say. Hmm... have you ever just been -- not romantically attracted to a person -- but more intrigued about, kind of like you enjoy talking about them a lot, and harboring a sort of "affection" for, even though (I repeat) there is no romantic interest. That's been troubling me, but I can't say that I've ever really reached that point.³ But you know how I can't define love (see Jan 94). How many people have I thought I loved? How many have I harbored an affection for? Chris is the only boy that has gotten that far, but I can't say as I'm really interested anymore. Maybe just when I think about it. He doesn't invade my thoughts. He's sixteen today, the boy. Aahh... I resort to my little teenage love curiosities once again. But I hope they're nice to read about, if nothing else. I guess what I'm driving at is like on TV, someone will say "so-and-so's great" & someone else will say "what's going on with so-and-so and you?" and the first person will say "oh, nothing, we're just friends." But this is usually a lie anyway, because there is something going on. So can it ever really be true that you can talk about someone so much & just think they're great for the sole reason of being great? There's probably some unwritten movie dialogue rule siding for or against me. I should ask Dan W0lfe. Cripes, that took up a whole page, or at least the equivalent of it... Well anyway -- just off on my little ponderings -- JMC 10:10 PM


¹ By this point, Steve had turned into a gearhead who had a mullet and listened to Rush. The fact that he also had dropped out of honors classes, and thus I only saw him in gym, only heightened our drifting apart.

² Kruszk@ was a gym teacher, who once asked me, dripping with condescension, "So Cunningh@m, what'd you get from San-tee Claus this year?"

³ I'm pretty sure I'm referring here to Carolyn M@rr, who I liked and respected as an intellectual equal, a sort of affection that was different from a full-on crush and thus somewhat new to me.