Shouting the Poetic Truths of High School Journal Keepers

Monday, January 03, 2005

January 3, 1995

As I've been reading the Great Gatsby for EJ's1 class (and also as some fine holiday entertainment; no sarcasm intended), I ran across a passage that I think fits these journal entries perfectly: (I'm paraphrasing here, as I don't exactly have my copy with me) "Looking back, I realize you may have falsely gotten the impression that my summer in West Egg consisted only of three evenings, spread out among weeks..." -- Which is also what/how you may have thought about these entries ... that I only talk about parties or Chris C@rley because that is what rules my life, which is frightfully untrue. But I was talking to Jessie Benens0n the other night and she said that it was perfectly fine because "the rest is assumed," which is an explanation that I suppose has its merits. And then again, this is (I'm sorry -- that transition was poor -- I'm not trying to show contrast) all just mine anyway. I guess I'm just trying to provide an accurate portrayal of my life, but I suppose that most of that would be boring. I worry too much about things like this, that don't matter whatsoever. Like that these pages don't seem wide enough. Why, for chrissake, do I have to be so meticulous about my journal margins?

So at the risk of falling back into these habits (neither good nor bad), there are several things that I think need to be discussed that this journal is good for & yes, it is about Chris C@rley, whom I even specifically mentioned in the preceding paragraph & maybe it was just because he was on my mind. I must admit -- I'm slightly disappointed with Diane's2 IHSTF3 Penthouse plan; that is, six of us "men" share a room (while Adam Gyn@c & Collin Br0wn are relegated to the DOUBLE ROOM) rather than each of us having separate roommates, the painful part being that Chris was overjoyed when I asked him to be my roommate, a question that had been floating about in my head for about a week now. Actually, more than that -- just check my Vol. 54 for a specific date. But indeed I asked him & the boy wrapped his arms around me. That deserves my patented question mark-exclamation enclosed in parentheses punctuation, but that would ruin it, drive it into sensationalism & making me look like a boy-crazy lonely person, set off by the slightest thing. It was an awfully good feeling, though, all spoiled by this non-chalant -- "oh yeah, there are penthouses" (actually, the board screamed it out in her classroom) remark. And I'm not that hurt by it, I don't think, I guess because I accurately predicted that nothing would come of it, but in these past few weeks, I've been thinking -- "how can I make it work?" and I don't think I need to go into details regarding what I mean. I had it all planned out -- and maybe things are better this way because I'd probably be preoccupied with him the entire time (or maybe I still will). And I thought that maybe I'd scare him and we could never be friends. If Friday night existed, I mean. There's still a glimmer of hope, I guess. But then here comes Mark B3irn, everyone being so non-chalant, saying that Chris is going out with Laurie Paw1ak, who maybe I will harbor an intense dislike for, and me sitting there thinking that she's still seeing Se@n McQuinn & then remembering Marie's comment that the two had went someplace together & Marie wondering if they were going to kiss (because nobody could kiss Chris, she said, he's just like a little brother). And I think the whole thing's wrong, very wrong. It would be something if it were a Jay-Kristine thing because they are both good & both right for each other & happy.5 I can't see Chris with anyone at all -- it just ruins everything for me -- that he likes Laurie? I don't like to think that. But I think it will be okay -- for now, I mean. It's not like I'm obsessed -- well, to some extent -- it's just not "ruling my life," which kind of draws everything together. -- JMC 4:21 PM

1 Ms. Ellen J0y (E.J.) Br0nkema, my 11th-grade AP English teacher and the first teacher I'd ever had who I considered a friend, whom I made excuses to hang out with after school, whom I let borrow my Raymond Carver book, whose house I visited during winter break of senior year, etc.

2 Ms. Diane Breining3r.

3 Illinois High School Theatre Festival, an annual three-day event held in January (alternating between University of Illinois and Illinois State University), in which students attend workshops and watch other high schools' dramatic productions. I attended from 1994 to 1996.

4 This journal being Vol. 6.

5 A year later, Jay J0rdan and Kristine Pr0v0 endured one of the worst, most bitter breakups I'd seen. Of course.


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