January 3, 1995

As I've been reading the Great Gatsby for EJ's¹ class (and also as some fine holiday entertainment; no sarcasm intended), I ran across a passage that I think fits these journal entries perfectly: (I'm paraphrasing here, as I don't exactly have my copy with me) "Looking back, I realize you may have falsely gotten the impression that my summer in West Egg consisted only of three evenings, spread out among weeks..." -- Which is also what/how you may have thought about these entries ... that I only talk about parties or Chris C@rley because that is what rules my life, which is frightfully untrue. But I was talking to Jessie Benens0n the other night and she said that it was perfectly fine because "the rest is assumed," which is an explanation that I suppose has its merits. And then again, this is (I'm sorry -- that transition was poor -- I'm not trying to show contrast) all just mine anyway. I guess I'm just trying to provide an accurate portrayal of my life, but I suppose that most of that would be boring. I worry too much about things like this, that don't matter whatsoever. Like that these pages don't seem wide enough. Why, for chrissake, do I have to be so meticulous about my journal margins?

So at the risk of falling back into these habits (neither good nor bad), there are several things that I think need to be discussed that this journal is good for & yes, it is about Chris C@rley, whom I even specifically mentioned in the preceding paragraph & maybe it was just because he was on my mind. I must admit -- I'm slightly disappointed with Diane's² IHSTF³ Penthouse plan; that is, six of us "men" share a room (while Adam Gyn@c & Collin Br0wn are relegated to the DOUBLE ROOM) rather than each of us having separate roommates, the painful part being that Chris was overjoyed when I asked him to be my roommate, a question that had been floating about in my head for about a week now. Actually, more than that -- just check my Vol. 5⁴ for a specific date. But indeed I asked him & the boy wrapped his arms around me. That deserves my patented question mark-exclamation enclosed in parentheses punctuation, but that would ruin it, drive it into sensationalism & making me look like a boy-crazy lonely person, set off by the slightest thing. It was an awfully good feeling, though, all spoiled by this non-chalant -- "oh yeah, there are penthouses" (actually, the board screamed it out in her classroom) remark. And I'm not that hurt by it, I don't think, I guess because I accurately predicted that nothing would come of it, but in these past few weeks, I've been thinking -- "how can I make it work?" and I don't think I need to go into details regarding what I mean. I had it all planned out -- and maybe things are better this way because I'd probably be preoccupied with him the entire time (or maybe I still will). And I thought that maybe I'd scare him and we could never be friends. If Friday night existed, I mean. There's still a glimmer of hope, I guess. But then here comes Mark B3irn, everyone being so non-chalant, saying that Chris is going out with Laurie Paw1ak, who maybe I will harbor an intense dislike for, and me sitting there thinking that she's still seeing Se@n McQuinn & then remembering Marie's comment that the two had went someplace together & Marie wondering if they were going to kiss (because nobody could kiss Chris, she said, he's just like a little brother). And I think the whole thing's wrong, very wrong. It would be something if it were a Jay-Kristine thing because they are both good & both right for each other & happy.⁵ I can't see Chris with anyone at all -- it just ruins everything for me -- that he likes Laurie? I don't like to think that. But I think it will be okay -- for now, I mean. It's not like I'm obsessed -- well, to some extent -- it's just not "ruling my life," which kind of draws everything together. -- JMC 4:21 PM

1 Ms. Ellen J0y (E.J.) Br0nkema, my 11th-grade AP English teacher and the first teacher I'd ever had who I considered a friend, whom I made excuses to hang out with after school, whom I let borrow my Raymond Carver book, whose house I visited during winter break of senior year, etc.

2 Ms. Diane Breining3r.

3 Illinois High School Theatre Festival, an annual three-day event held in January (alternating between University of Illinois and Illinois State University), in which students attend workshops and watch other high schools' dramatic productions. I attended from 1994 to 1996.

4 This journal being Vol. 6.

5 A year later, Jay J0rdan and Kristine Pr0v0 endured one of the worst, most bitter breakups I'd seen. Of course.